“As you leave school you step from a lifetime of dependence and embark on a lifetime of independence. The chances of making the best of that lifetime are greatly enhanced if you have a plan from the outset. Preparing that plan is not easy but help is now at hand thanks to the excellent Where’s the Map? All parents and all students owe a debt to Jim and Beth Hood for this book, which should be a must read for every high school graduate.”

Richard Oliver
Chief Executive, Year Out Group
www.yearoutgroup.org

"You want to be a what?"

How to support your grad's life vision, no matter what it is

Let’s say your grad has decided on a life path, or at least an educational or career path. Whether you are excited about it or not, it’s not your life, so you can either fight it—taking up your precious energy and time—or come on board. Below are ten ways to support your grad’s life vision.

Before we get started, here’s how we would define a Life Vision in the simplest way: a statement that expresses your main purpose or mission on Earth and how you want to accomplish it.

1. Recognize the difference between your vision for your grad’s life and his or her own.
You have spent countless hours—your own blood, sweat and tears—to raise your grad, and you deserve kudos for all your work. It’s normal to have a vision for your child’s life—but sometimes your dreams for your grad get mixed up with their dreams. They are probably well aware from a little cajoling here and there what your hopes and expectations are for them. But now it’s time to step back and allow your grad to distinguish between your way and their way. If you can make this distinction as well, you will be able to better support his or her vision.

2. Develop your own life vision.
Especially if you have spent a lot of time taking care of the kids, carting them to sports, saving money for tuition, making meals, and volunteering for the school fundraiser, your life vision may very well have been intimately tied to your role as a parent. Are there other dreams you have always want to achieve? Do you have a vision for the rest of your life—something you have always wanted to do, somewhere you’ve always wanted to go, or a change of career? Your child’s independence may very well be a great time to establish your vision. Supporting your grad’s life vision is more easily done when you are supporting your own. Be a role model for your grad to follow his or her path.

3. Find common ground.
What does your graduate value? On the surface it probably seems they only value their friends and their music, but what are their core values? Pretty likely they have the same core values as you do, even though they may not be in the same order as yours in terms of priority. Financial security probably wasn’t the biggest thing on your mind at 18 either! Once you recognize what their core values are, you will be less worried about their specific plans, because you will know their underlying intentions are pointed in a similar direction. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. (For a list of values check out chapter 1 in Where’s the Map? Create your OWN Guide to Life after Graduation.)

4. Stop worrying.
Worrying isn’t productive, it’s not healthy for you, and it doesn’t help your grad find and follow his or her life vision. Get a handle on your worry habits. When you express your worry to your grad constantly, they have a tendency to stop sharing their dreams with you. (Now don’t start worrying about not worrying!) Try out something besides “I’m worried about you.” How about, “I’m sure you’ll be fine,” or “I trust you.”

5. Identify whether your concern is about them, or about you.
Are you worried about your grad’s new career choice for his benefit, or because you’d rather not have the embarrassment of telling your friends what he’s doing? If this is your issue to get over, take ownership of it. Another valid question for you is whether your dreams for your grad are really your hopes for yourself? If this is the case, think about what you can do to address these hopes in your own life, rather than lay them on your grad.

6. Determine your ideal role in your grad’s vision.
What role do you want to play in your grad’s life: devil’s advocate, enemy, pessimist, cheerleader, advisor, or rock of support? Do you want to have a financial role in your grad’s vision? You may decide that you will back them emotionally, but not financially. Maybe you want to see them make it on their own, or maybe you’re not ready to fund a project that you don’t totally believe in. Establish these boundaries early so you can provide your support fully in whatever role you choose.

7. Make it very clear that your opinion is just an opinion.
You know your grad really well, it’s true, but do you know them like they know themselves? How could you? There will be many people who have opinions about what your grad does with his life path, and these opinions will differ from both yours and your grad’s. Teach your child how to differentiate an outside opinion from an inner truth. This may take some practice if you have trouble with this yourself.

8. Allow for a natural evolution of your grad’s vision.
A life vision isn’t set in stone, and your grad’s ideas for their future will often change. Sometimes, by the time you come on board with your kid’s vision, it has evolved into something new. The more flexible you are, the easier it will be to support your grad’s vision. If you get stuck on a vision that your grad no longer holds—even if they thought that vision was the one—the more difficult it will be for your grad to share their new ideas with you.

9. Be patient.
Accept that they may not be ready to share their vision with you yet. Some grads are slow sharers, especially if someone made fun of their ideas in the past. Give them time and let them know that you are excited to talk about their vision whenever they are ready.

10. Forgive and let go if they fail.
You cannot live your kids’ life for them. All you can do is trust them to make their own decisions, sit back and let them spread their wings. Sorry, there’s no way around it. If they do come back to you after things didn’t work out—with tears in their eyes or that ashamed, apologetic look—never say, “I told you so.” This simple statement will diminish your communication and their openness in telling you their plans in the future. Letting go of their failures, will help them move on with their vision.

The very fact that you’ve gotten this far down the page indicates your genuine interest in supporting your grad’s life vision. We thank you for your support, and your grad will thank you too—even if it’s a few years down the road.